Yup, it's that late here at the time of this post.
I don't know, I guess I feel the need to write my insomnia down somehow. It's strange. I don't usually feel like writing personal blogs and go on lengths about my own struggles. But sometimes I feel the need to deviate from the ordinary as an attempt to burst my own bubble for a little while, just enough time to let some new air in and breathe.
I have been composing since 2009. I consider it a long time, almost 7 years, and I've been lurking here in this website for about the same time. I've been through plenty of ups and downs, highs and lows, but that's part of the process anyways. Creativity bursts, creative insomnia, anxieties, bouts of depression and cynicism, writer's blocks, and so on.
I guess things are going good, right? I've still come pretty far compared to my previous endeavor as KKSlider60 and I'm actively continuing to contribute to this current project, Forgotten Dawn. I've made soundtracks and released them publicly. Contributed to games, and I have plenty of ideas myself. I've even finished a game not too long ago, finally. I've made friends along the way, had to say goodbye to some, but hey, I'm still here.
So I guess... the question arises. Where's the problem?
No matter how much of myself I pour into my works, and lately I have come to the conclusion that yes, I should give priority to my own creativity no matter what before anything else, I have always been having this feeling in the back of my head. This unnamed, lingering shadow breathing down my neck as I'm writing these words...
Feeling stagnant. Like nothing really changes for me or around me. No matter how many works I release, no matter how much effort I put into sharing it with people and folks I know, no matter how many ideas I share and want to actively develop... It's just. In the end, I'm like a ghost that pops up every once in a while and makes some tunes before disappearing again.
I'm not the kind of guy that desperately seeks validation from others, even though this post might sound like it's professing the exact opposite. I even tend to think that any feedback or critique is a mere incidental consequence of the act of creation, which is in my view, part of the bigger picture driving a longer chain of events. But I guess... Wouldn't it be nice? Wouldn't it be nice if someone listened without me having to knock on doors? Believe me, I've tried many times. It didn't work. I know what someone would say. Where are you then? Why I never see you around? Because I'm busy, mostly thinking about what to do, thinking about the world, thinking about myself, thinking about many things.
Just what am I missing?
I'm not missing on ideas, I keep creating because that's what I ultimately want to do primarily for myself. I am not afraid to hit controversial themes for the sake of expression, or making people feel something in their lives. So why do I feel like everything I've done so far, everything I have achieved for myself remained in my own bubble and never got a chance to fly?
"Change is gonna come", somebody sang. It's what I tell myself. To keep fighting. To keep walking up this hill. Sure... I'm used to it by now. I am my own warrior and therapist. So... I don't know.
I feel like I need to know if anyone here feels the way I've been feeling.
If you've got this far reading this post, I say wow. You must have a lot of patience.
I guess that's it for now.